31

I hate the entire “Futures” album by Jimmy Eat World (and by hate, I clearly mean love and am obsessed with).  It’s ridiculous how a song can trigger every single memory and emotion you’ve ever had in your entire life.  It’s also ridiculous how you can love a song (Hello, “Work”) and then it ultimately becomes your life.  If you haven’t heard of this band, shame on you.  If you haven’t heard this album, shame on you twice.  If you don’t like it after listening to it, shame on me for being friends with you.

Yesterday, I updated my Facebook status with something like, “Sometimes there’s not enough Wellbutrin in the entire universe.” and you just have no idea how true that is. Do you ever just inexplicably feel depression pressing down so hard that it makes your chest ache?  Just out of no where, you know?  I think there’s plenty of merit to the idea of Seasonal Affective Disorder and the winter blues.  All I want to do is go home, put on comfortable clothes, and sleep.  And eat.  I always want to eat.  But, I’m trying to make myself do better, make myself work out, make myself visit friends, as opposed to going home and tapping out.

December always brings those reflective posts about the months before and the promise of a new year, with new goals that will ultimately be thrown away by January 17th.  Oh, and a million people posting the lyric, “A long December and there’s reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last…” which is a great song, but if you’re posting it every single year, then you’re probably doing life wrong.  Not that I’m not doing life wrong, but I’ll point at you before I point at myself.  The human condition obsesses with the promise and hope of something new, something different, and nothing marks that like the start of a new year.  All of the shortcomings of 2012 wont chase you into 2013, right?  Probably not right.

With 31 days left, I can tell you that 2012 was good.  I love even numbered years because I’m weird like that, but 2012 really was pretty sweet.  Not that anything spectacular happened in my personal life, because God knows that might call for a parade, but lots of cool things happened.  One of my best friends got married to a great man, then fought breast cancer and won, a sweet baby boy made it through heart surgery like a champ, my Daddy is beating prostate cancer, my family is still intact, my friends and their families are doing great, I’ve met and become close with some really great new people, and… well, Kentucky won the National Championship and I got to see it with my own eyes and cry like a baby in the Superdome.  There are definitely more things, but I’m just naming the first things that cross my mind.

That being said, I think I’m ready for 2013.  I don’t know if it will really make a difference, I don’t know if anything will change (I don’t know if I want anything to change?), but I’m ready for whatever happens.  I don’t have any specific goals set, I just want to continue to better myself.  I’d like to be kinder, talk less, listen more, be more in control of my emotions, be more generous, and stop worrying about things that I have absolutely no control over.  Well, maybe I do have some specific goals?  Regardless, I know that I’ve surrounded myself with all the right people, that I have the right job, and that although sometimes I feel incredibly lost and a little bit broken, I’m doing a lot of things right.

At least that’s how I feel today.

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I don’t know anything about what I could really love or be passionate about.  Sometimes I think that I’ve already ruined my life, or accepted my life, or maybe I had too many grand ideas to begin with, I can’t even be sure.  Maybe I’ve made all the wrong decisions.  Maybe I’ve saddled myself with responsibility and debt that could’ve waited.  The last four years have circled the same premise relentlessly. 1,460 days.  Get out of school debt, figure out what you want to do.  What do I want to do?  With my life, with my career, with everything. Is it so asinine to think that I really do enjoy my customer service job in my hometown, but I still constantly wonder about what else is out there?

But, I don’t know.  I don’t know what I like, I know that I’m not good at anything, I know that I’m not passionate about anything.  Okay, I’m passionate about Kentucky Basketball, but I don’t know what it means where to start to make that my job.  How do I get paid to love Kentucky Basketball?  Beyond that, am I good anything that involves working with Kentucky Basketball?  This is exactly my point; I have no skills, no trade, nothing to offer anyone outside of saying my name and greeting people 500 times a day.

God, and better than that?  I don’t have the drive to really do anything.  I am a routine oriented person.  Once I get into a routine, I like that routine, and to veer away from that routine, well that makes me sweat.  I always get these grand ideas, but I never commit myself to anything.  Ever.  I lose interest so quickly, and when it requires real work?  Well, forget about it.  I’ve never been about applying myself to anything, but rather BSing my way through everything.  It always worked out pretty well, but to what end?

Who really states their one passion in life is Kentucky Basketball?  I mean, that’s psychotic and I really don’t mean it in such all encompassing way.  I promise, I love and revere Jesus Christ far beyond Kentucky Basketball, but I was really just saying in the realm of careers and Earthly interests, I like Kentucky Basketball.  I like boring things.  I like television shows, I like to read, I love quiet time alone, I love Taylor Swift songs and I don’t care who knows it, I love to eat and if I could do so recreationally I definitely would, but I don’t really have hobbies.  I mean, do I even have interests?  I like politics, but it’s such a divisive subject that I don’t find it fun to discuss anymore.  Sports, I’m interested in sports.  How do people just decide, “I think I’m going to do this.” and then stick with it?  I don’t know how to do that.

I thought I wanted to be a Social Studies teacher, and then I saw all of the work that goes into it and the guidelines and material you are told to teach, and I said no.  So, I thought I would be a History Professor and got my BA in History.  When I worked for Senator Bunning I thought I would never come back from Washington DC.  I thought I would work behind the scenes in politics, because I didn’t ever want to be a politician.  I never went back to school.  I know it’s not too late, but now I don’t want to.  My point is, I’ve never loved anything enough to commit to it and follow through.  And that?  Well, that’s a recurring theme.  I never love anything enough.  I never want anything bad enough.  It’s a joke, but I really am aggressively apathetic.

And all of this stemmed from a video I watched of President Obama thanking his campaign staff in Chicago and telling them how he thought they would change peoples lives.  I sat there and thought… no one would ever say that to me.  They wouldn’t have a reason to do so.  That room was full of people my age.  They chose to commit to something, a cause, a career, whatever.  I realize there’s no time stamp on when a person can do things, it’s not like I am too old, because you are never too old.  I know all of that.  But, what I really want to know is; Is this it?  Is it all?

I don’t know.