1460.

I don’t know anything about what I could really love or be passionate about.  Sometimes I think that I’ve already ruined my life, or accepted my life, or maybe I had too many grand ideas to begin with, I can’t even be sure.  Maybe I’ve made all the wrong decisions.  Maybe I’ve saddled myself with responsibility and debt that could’ve waited.  The last four years have circled the same premise relentlessly. 1,460 days.  Get out of school debt, figure out what you want to do.  What do I want to do?  With my life, with my career, with everything. Is it so asinine to think that I really do enjoy my customer service job in my hometown, but I still constantly wonder about what else is out there?

But, I don’t know.  I don’t know what I like, I know that I’m not good at anything, I know that I’m not passionate about anything.  Okay, I’m passionate about Kentucky Basketball, but I don’t know what it means where to start to make that my job.  How do I get paid to love Kentucky Basketball?  Beyond that, am I good anything that involves working with Kentucky Basketball?  This is exactly my point; I have no skills, no trade, nothing to offer anyone outside of saying my name and greeting people 500 times a day.

God, and better than that?  I don’t have the drive to really do anything.  I am a routine oriented person.  Once I get into a routine, I like that routine, and to veer away from that routine, well that makes me sweat.  I always get these grand ideas, but I never commit myself to anything.  Ever.  I lose interest so quickly, and when it requires real work?  Well, forget about it.  I’ve never been about applying myself to anything, but rather BSing my way through everything.  It always worked out pretty well, but to what end?

Who really states their one passion in life is Kentucky Basketball?  I mean, that’s psychotic and I really don’t mean it in such all encompassing way.  I promise, I love and revere Jesus Christ far beyond Kentucky Basketball, but I was really just saying in the realm of careers and Earthly interests, I like Kentucky Basketball.  I like boring things.  I like television shows, I like to read, I love quiet time alone, I love Taylor Swift songs and I don’t care who knows it, I love to eat and if I could do so recreationally I definitely would, but I don’t really have hobbies.  I mean, do I even have interests?  I like politics, but it’s such a divisive subject that I don’t find it fun to discuss anymore.  Sports, I’m interested in sports.  How do people just decide, “I think I’m going to do this.” and then stick with it?  I don’t know how to do that.

I thought I wanted to be a Social Studies teacher, and then I saw all of the work that goes into it and the guidelines and material you are told to teach, and I said no.  So, I thought I would be a History Professor and got my BA in History.  When I worked for Senator Bunning I thought I would never come back from Washington DC.  I thought I would work behind the scenes in politics, because I didn’t ever want to be a politician.  I never went back to school.  I know it’s not too late, but now I don’t want to.  My point is, I’ve never loved anything enough to commit to it and follow through.  And that?  Well, that’s a recurring theme.  I never love anything enough.  I never want anything bad enough.  It’s a joke, but I really am aggressively apathetic.

And all of this stemmed from a video I watched of President Obama thanking his campaign staff in Chicago and telling them how he thought they would change peoples lives.  I sat there and thought… no one would ever say that to me.  They wouldn’t have a reason to do so.  That room was full of people my age.  They chose to commit to something, a cause, a career, whatever.  I realize there’s no time stamp on when a person can do things, it’s not like I am too old, because you are never too old.  I know all of that.  But, what I really want to know is; Is this it?  Is it all?

I don’t know.

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