Sometimes, I feel incredibly broken.
Okay, most times, I feel incredibly broken. As my almost 15 year struggle with depression has evolved into sometimes crippling (and always present) anxiety, it’s like I can’t get ahead of anything or get ahead of myself. Before I got married and when I was still single, I ached for someone in my life that could understand me and I have that now. My marriage is one of the best parts of my life, honestly. But, as with most things in life, when one part comes together, something else falls apart.
I can’t hardly function in social situations anymore. Well, sometimes I’m okay. Getting me out of the house is a chore. I sit and obsess about how much people don’t want me around them, and I convince myself that people only want to hang out because they feel sorry for me (or feel sorry for Chad) and want him there and know that I’m part of the deal. Just while typing that, my heart started beating faster and I felt my palms start to sweat. I need longer away from group situations than I ever used to because I have to decompress and talk myself down from innocent comments that I’ve taken the wrong way or feeling left out. I’m not saying any of this to get sympathy from you if you’re reading this, I’m saying it because I can’t control it. I know the issues are paranoia and anxiety and sometimes straight up worthlessness. There is no magical switch.
Texting people first to start a conversation feels impossible and I rarely do it. A phone call is out of the question. In the last year, I have completely fallen off with people that I care about because I feel like a nuisance to them. When people don’t answer me or they seem ‘short’ I’m convinced they’re annoyed with me for trying to speak to them at all. I sometimes beg Chad to not make me to go into social situations where I am not 100% comfortable because the fear I feel is crippling and painful. Even when I am comfortable, I struggle. It hasn’t reached a point that I am avoiding work or calling off to stay home, but I can see how it would easily get there and it’s really only because I don’t have the time off to take for it. I answer a phone all day and that constant interaction often leaves me feeling upset, drained, and so anxious that I can feel my insides shake.
The more I re-read this, the more I don’t want to post it because it scares me to be this honest about what’s been going on with me. Because I am typically the clown, the jokester, the loud one, the funny one, these are the parts that most people don’t see and thus, they rarely believe it when people like me come forward. But, I’m going to post it. Because maybe there’s someone else reading this that’s been quietly struggling, too. I hope that anyone reading this that thinks I have been odd or stand offish will realize whatever I’ve done (or not done) has not been a personal affront to you. It’s just me right now. It’s just me.
What’s so frustrating is that I have so many wonderful, exciting reasons to be SO happy. And I am really happy. I have so many positive people in my life, I’m so excited about our new house, I love being married, I have good friends — the list goes on and on. So, I feel like this struggle means I am ungrateful, but I am the complete opposite of that and worrying about someone thinking I’m ungrateful for my life makes the cycle start all over again. Funny how that works, I guess. Not every day is bad, and not every day is a struggle. But, more times than I really care to admit — functioning on a normal level IS a struggle.
I’m still trying.