Sometimes, I feel incredibly broken.

Okay, most times, I feel incredibly broken.  As my almost 15 year struggle with depression has evolved into sometimes crippling (and always present) anxiety, it’s like I can’t get ahead of anything or get ahead of myself.  Before I got married and when I was still single, I ached for someone in my life that could understand me and I have that now.  My marriage is one of the best parts of my life, honestly.  But, as with most things in life, when one part comes together, something else falls apart.

I can’t hardly function in social situations anymore.  Well, sometimes I’m okay.  Getting me out of the house is a chore.  I sit and obsess about how much people don’t want me around them, and I convince myself that people only want to hang out because they feel sorry for me (or feel sorry for Chad) and want him there and know that I’m part of the deal.  Just while typing that, my heart started beating faster and I felt my palms start to sweat.  I need longer away from group situations than I ever used to because I have to decompress and talk myself down from innocent comments that I’ve taken the wrong way or feeling left out.  I’m not saying any of this to get sympathy from you if you’re reading this, I’m saying it because I can’t control it.  I know the issues are paranoia and anxiety and sometimes straight up worthlessness.  There is no magical switch.

Texting people first to start a conversation feels impossible and I rarely do it.  A phone call is out of the question.  In the last year, I have completely fallen off with people that I care about because I feel like a nuisance to them.  When people don’t answer me or they seem ‘short’ I’m convinced they’re annoyed with me for trying to speak to them at all.  I sometimes beg Chad to not make me to go into social situations where I am not 100% comfortable because the fear I feel is crippling and painful.  Even when I am comfortable, I struggle.  It hasn’t reached a point that I am avoiding work or calling off to stay home, but I can see how it would easily get there and it’s really only because I don’t have the time off to take for it.  I answer a phone all day and that constant interaction often leaves me feeling upset, drained, and so anxious that I can feel my insides shake.

The more I re-read this, the more I don’t want to post it because it scares me to be this honest about what’s been going on with me.  Because I am typically the clown, the jokester, the loud one, the funny one, these are the parts that most people don’t see and thus, they rarely believe it when people like me come forward.  But, I’m going to post it.  Because maybe there’s someone else reading this that’s been quietly struggling, too.  I hope that anyone reading this that thinks I have been odd or stand offish will realize whatever I’ve done (or not done) has not been a personal affront to you.  It’s just me right now.  It’s just me.

What’s so frustrating is that I have so many wonderful, exciting reasons to be SO happy.  And I am really happy.  I have so many positive people in my life, I’m so excited about our new house, I love being married, I have good friends — the list goes on and on.  So, I feel like this struggle means I am ungrateful, but I am the complete opposite of that and worrying about someone thinking I’m ungrateful for my life makes the cycle start all over again.  Funny how that works, I guess.  Not every day is bad, and not every day is a struggle.  But, more times than I really care to admit — functioning on a normal level IS a struggle.  

I’m still trying.

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4 thoughts on “

  1. “What’s so frustrating is that I have so many wonderful, exciting reasons to be SO happy.” This sounds so familiar. Thank you for posting. Even as I have been able to treat my own anxiety, it’s still comforting to be reminded that I am not the only person that has felt this way. It’s a constant battle, even with various kinds of treatment. I wish you the best in dealing with it – I’ve had great success with medication, but I know there are different avenues for everyone.

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  2. Part of what gets me through my day is knowing that you’re always there to understand what I’m going through with my own anxiety. When I can’t talk to you during the day, I get out of sorts and I’m sitting there saying, “I need to tell Alena because she knows what I’m struggling with.” Like this morning, someone was particularly short with me and all I could think of is, “What did i do?” But I didn’t do anything, yet anxiety brain tells me otherwise.

    I love you, and I’m here to hold your hand through the same things that you have always held mine for.

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  3. I love you, and I know the struggle. Anxiety is so overwhelming sometimes. I leave the majority of social situations feeling okay, but within minutes I start having panic attacks. For some reason I have a very deeply held belief that there is something irreversibly wrong with me, and that I’m exposing how alien I am to people every time I’m forced to interact.
    I read Brene Brown’s work for self therapy, and she says that one of our biggest problems is that we often believe we are unworthy of love and belonging, that we’re not [fill in the blank] enough. But when we operate from a place of believing we are enough, that we belong, and that we are worthy, our lives and relationships open open up and become more fulfilling.
    “The opposite of scarcity isn’t abundance, its simply enough.”
    You are enough. You are not alone, you belong here in the crazy world with all of us. And you are worthy of love and belonging.
    Any story that you tell yourself to the contrary, the things you make up about being ungrateful, that’s just a misunderstanding. Instead of saying you should feel this way, or you should be some way other than you are, try changing the “should” to “could.”
    You are amazing and I stand as an Alena supporter.

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