Last week, I said I was going to start a weekly reflection series and I’m totally trying to stick with that. However, last week, I called it Sunday Morning Coffee Break, and I’m gonna be real — I’ve barely gotten out of bed until this evening. Not because of depression (as outlined in my last update), but because I decided to take the day for lazy. There’s nothing like doing literally nothing, and even though I’ve cooked two meals and been to Walmart, I’ve still had a solid reset which I desperately needed.
On Friday I started bi-weekly therapy and I feel really good about it. One of my biggest fears in talking to someone about my ‘problems’ is them thinking that my problems aren’t real or they are stupid. I hate feeling stupid. Ask Chad, ask anyone that knows me really well, I will NOT do anything that makes me feel dumb. It’s a huge complex that I have and it correlates with not being good at something (whatever the task may be). If I am not good at something, I will literally never try it again. It’s maddening. And silly.
Anyway, I can’t tell you how many times I said to my therapist, “I feel so stupid” and she would gently assure me that whatever I feel is valid, and it is certainly not stupid. I told her how difficult it is for me to be honest with people about what I struggle with because outwardly, I seem very together, and people often dismiss me and move on. That’s one of the most painful things you can ever deal with in mental illness and insecurities, someone saying, “What do you have to be so upset about?” — it feels like a knife in the chest, especially if you REALLY love that person. You honestly have no real idea what someone is struggling with internally, and a gentle, “I’m here for you” is far more beneficial than criticism and harsh words. Ahem.
I think therapy is going to be a really good thing. I am really trying to pull out of this awful depression place and for the last 3 days, I have felt more like myself. I have often thought that I struggle with Seasonal Affective Disorder, because around the same time every year, when the sun sets earlier and the days get shorter (even slightly so), I tend to struggle. Hence the the reset today.
On September 1st, I started a bootcamp challenge with Jamison and Emma and I’m super pumped about it. I desperately want to master my macros, eat better more consistently, and learn some new workouts. The best news is, I haven’t blown it this weekend with my eating. I can work out and kill it, but my eating is an atrocity. Y’all. I absolutely love to eat, I can never tell you how much. Eating brings me so much happiness, especially when I am going through depression issues. It’s the only thing that clicks and even though I can make myself workout, I can’t make myself dial in my eating. So, making it through this whole weekend and staying within my guidelines has been super inspiring for me. I’m excited to wake up and destroy a workout in the morning. I also bought Oreos at the store, so what am I really even talking about?!
Honestly, I hope September is a touch more kind to me than August was. I struggled with a pulled muscle, depression, and just over all a bad month. So, I’m excited to see the calendar change and get another shot at the next 30 days. The first 4 days have been pretty stellar, so here’s hoping. Well. Other than Kentucky football. That’s enough to shove you into depression and make you drink, guys.
Happy Labor Day, everybody. Enjoy your Monday off. 🙂