grief & loss

15 days since I have heard my Mother’s voice without the interference of a bipap mask. 

13 days since I felt her hand squeeze mine for the last time as we both knew goodbye was imminent.

On her last really good night (Saturday), I fed her baked potato, salad, and a few bites of a frosty from Wendy’s. We laughed.  Tommy, Melissa, and Chad sat with me as I fed her. Andi was finally getting some sleep, the few precious hours she actually got over the 5 day stint in the ICU.  Mom looked at Chad and told him how much she loved his beard.  I’m sure other things were said, but I can’t remember them right now.  She was precious; We brushed her hair and put her lotions on, we made sure everything was so-so just as she liked it.  She was our Queen (she loved that term for people.. and cats), we doted on her and pampered her in life and ultimately in death.  And she deserved it.  If anyone ever deserved love and affection, it was Mommy. 

The kindest soul I have ever known, my Mom never had a bad thing to say about anyone.  I mean that, I’m not just saying it to make her sound good because she’s gone.  On the off chance she did say something, she would stop and ask God to forgive her for being ‘in her flesh’.  She always wanted me to be softer with people (and myself) because she knew my heart better than anyone else.  It’s pretty big, believe it or not.  Mom was an empath; she felt your loss, your wins, your happiness, your sadness, and she felt it all deeply.  She fervently prayed for people she had never met as if she knew them personally.  I find myself in those words.  I always did, but in this sea of grief, I hurt so deeply for others who have felt loss of this magnitude.  Things that once seemed important, being “right” or having the last word, no longer matter.  Maybe they will again, but I can’t be sure.  I don’t know if I want them to be important again. 

She would’ve loved a morning like this; crisp air, fall leaves, the sabbath.  She loved dreary days as much as sunny days and found beauty in everything and everyone.  I mean it when I say that she was my hero.  My Mom, my best friend, my spiritual advisor, my Dad; She wore so many hats and she wore them well.  She was everything. 

I can’t say I know how to navigate this grief and this loss.  I lost all of my grandparents before I was 30 and the truth is, that pain isn’t comparable.  But, I am trying.  I’m working in my house today, grocery shopping, I might even have the energy to workout.  I’m trying to figure out this new life without my Mom.  Not because I want to, but because she would want me to. The void is deep and wide, cavernous and seemingly never ending.  But, I have to try.  

Hug your sweet Mother today. Tell her you love her and never leave anything unsaid.

3 thoughts on “grief & loss

  1. This is beautiful and so true! I can relate so well. My momma had a heart if gold and a servant of the Master our King as well.
    My cousin told me, through the toughest time “Millie, it’s not what we want to do but have to do; adjust to the new normal”…
    Lost my dad in 1987 to a drunk driver, hit him head on, on his way home from work.
    Lost mom to copd/emphzemye 2010…..
    God Bless you all! Life goes on, you find them with you in the simplest of wats.
    God Bless and keep this sweet family in your loving care. Carry them through this time of mourning, knowing the grief and pain will always be there, however knowing that you will guide them through life, bring back the smile and laughter as you show them how truly Blessed they were to have such a beautiful “Queen” mother in their lives and no matter what you will carry them through. Let them know when they want to see sweet momma’s face, just look at Vekah, this is why you created her in mamaws sweet beautiful image. Dear Lord precious Father, please give them peace and comfort that only you can give.
    You Lord, are our keeper, our Saviour, our redeemer which liveth forever that came and prepared the way that we all can have this sweet peace and know without a doubt, with assurity that we that have you as our Master, will all be together again! Thank you sweet, sweet Jesus!
    I never met, that I remember, sister Brenda. However I know one day I WILL!
    I csn only pray to leave a 10th of the sweet legacy she’s lived, loved and left! She left such a legacy, she will never die but live on through her previous children!
    God Bless you all!
    Keep on writing Alana!


  2. You have paid your dear sweet mommy the best compliment ever—-you remember her lessons of life. Her legacy is in you. The way she carved out the good from the dreary day will be your best tool as you navigate the path needed to go through your grief. You get to set the timeframe for that journey. Know that the love of life and people who needed someone to pray for them could become your aim…or not. It’s just the beginning of missing your dear mom. But your willingness to share your story has already helped me. Thank you.


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