There’s already so much about this year that I wish I could change. That’s an interesting place to be in May. People always say, “Don’t regret anything because it taught you something.” or some flowery garbage like that, but I don’t know if that’s true. Some things, some situations, I’m not sure they teach you anything other than the fact that you probably should’ve been smarter. So, I guess that’s something? However, I don’t know that I’d consider it ‘being taught’ when I already knew it in the first place. I should’ve been smarter, I should’ve been more guarded, I should’ve done a lot of things differently. Hindsight, you know.
I’m not good at feelings. I’m good at sports (I mean, not literally…), I’m good at laughing, I’m good at embarrassing myself, I’m good at being sarcastic, I’m good at being angry, I’m good at being silly, but I’m not good at serious anything, especially feelings. For all the things I can do with words, expressing myself seriously is not often one of those things. I’m not even talking about romantic crap, because God knows that doesn’t exist in my life, I’m just saying in general. There are so few people that get those serious admissions, and even then, I know I’m a mess. I guess that has everything to do with not knowing how to let people in, getting worn down, and then getting burnt.
But, everyone gets burnt. Everyone. There’s not one person in friendships, in relationships, in life that hasn’t been hurt at the hands of another human being. We use that as an excuse to not get close to someone, to not let others in. One of the points I always make is that I hardly ever let people in, and when I do, it always comes back to bite me. But, is that good enough? Is that enough to make a person stop seeking friendships, stop trusting people, and to stop trying? Do those poor experiences outweigh the positive experiences? Do they outweigh the people who have been the exception and not the rule? I don’t want to feel that way about it anymore. I’m not saying to trust people blindly because that’s just silly, but if someone gives you reason to believe they’re legitimate, maybe you should. Maybe I should.
Maybe I should’ve been smarter, but maybe it’s okay that I wasn’t. And maybe I’m better at serious feelings than I thought.